It was another day at work with Janet.  She was once again telling me about her problems with her boyfriend.  In my mind, she needed to ditch this loser.

I was confident he was lying to her, cheating on her, and was not the guy she should commit to any longer.  But, her friends were advising her differently.

Me:  “Who are these friends?”

Janet:  “My girlfriends from the gym who I hang out with after work.”

Me:  “Are any of them married?”

Janet:  “No, why?”

Me:  “Seek advice from people who are where you want to be.  Not from people who are where you are.”

Who Do I Listen To?

Unwise Mentoring Scenarios:

  • A single woman getting advice about men from other single women.
  • A newly married man seeking marital advice from other newly married men.
  • A woman in a troubled marriage asking for help from another woman in the same scenario.
  • A new lawyer asking for advice from other new lawyers.
  • A new Army recruit getting advice from another new recruit on disarming a mine.
  • A new mom getting advice on raising a baby from another new mom.
  • A teenager asking for advice about anything from other teenagers.
These are not bad scenarios for venting.  But for advice, hopefully you see the futility of these scenarios.  When I list them out one right after another each one seems a little more absurd.  But they happen frequently.  (I was that new Army recruit…)

3 Keys To Good Advice

 1.  Seek advice from people who are where you want to be.

  • If I want to be a good husband, I need to find a man who is in a happy marriage for longer than I have been.
  • If I want to be a good mom to my toddler, find a mom that has great middle school kids or teenagers.
  • If I want to raise great teenagers, talk to people who have great adult children.
  • If I want to be great at my current job, find someone who has already succeeded there and is now working at a higher level.

2.  Find someone who listens more than they talk.

  • I must find someone who will listen to me more than they will talk about themselves.
  • I must find someone who will ask clarifying questions to be sure they understand before they launch into their solutions.
  • I must find someone who will share their own experiences only to help guide me, not to one up my story or turn the conversation to themselves.

 3.  Be willing to be coached.

  • I must be willing to hear the advice I get even if it hurts.
  • I must be willing to implement the advice I get even if it is uncomfortable.

These are also great guidelines for when I am called on to advise others as well.  If I don’t have the experience, help them find the people who do.  If I do, then I need to focus on their problems and not my story.  Finally, if someone repeatedly asks for advice and ignores it, I must tell them what I see and even suggest they find another advisor.

The Bottom Line:

I always try to seek out the people who have already successfully walked the path I am on.  They know what I will face around each corner because they have been there.

A good mentor/advisor is focused on me.  They listen twice as much as they speak.  They offer advice, not just their own war stories

Finally, if they have walked the path I am currently on and they are focused on my story and not their own, I must be willing to take their advice.  Good advisors will not continue to be there for me if I ask for help and their advice is repeatedly ignored.

Question:

Who do you need to approach for advice that fits these three criteria?

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