We all know “that guy” we want to run from at cocktail parties. The one who dominates every conversation. The one who talks about himself, his accomplishments, his week, his children, his work, his boss, his whatever. The one who always seems to have a story to top yours. When you break it all down, what does “that guy” sound like? “Me, Me, Me, Me, Me … oh, and did I mention Me?”

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the person who, when you are done speaking with her, you feel like the most important person in the world. You feel so good about yourself that you want to be around her more. You may know someone like that.

How do you feel after you are with her? Do you feel like she cares about you? Do you feel like she cares about your opinions? Whether a man or a woman, people who listen well show how much they care. They understand something about other people …

They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Listening and Selflessness

Listening is one of the best ways to let people know you care about them. That is why selfish people are such bad listeners. The selfish person’s need to be the center of the conversation lets everyone around him know that he thinks he’s the most important person in the room.

Therefore, selfish people have very few real friends or followers, because no one is under any delusion that they truly care one iota about anyone but themselves. If a leader is not a good listener, then he probably has few real followers.

Because selfless people put themselves behind others, they make the other person the most important person in a conversation. They ask questions and they wait for the answers. They live by God’s math:

God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we need to use them proportionately.

Listen Until It Hurts

My good friend Steve Wiley of the Lincoln Leadership Institute is fond of saying, “Listen until it hurts.” It takes effort and concentration to give someone your undivided attention. It is even harder for those of us who fight selfishness in our character.

Our willingness to listen until it hurts is a direct reflection on how we view our own importance. When we are so enamored with the sound of our own voice that we never really hear what the other person is saying, we are providing a window into our character. When we are struggling to listen, we are probably struggling with pride and selfishness.

To listen until it hurts takes a level of Humility and Selflessness that can only be acquired through practice. To be a Leader of Character, we must DO what we want to BE. If we want to be selfless, we must begin to practice listening better and acting selflessly in our conversations.

In some conversations we may find ourselves nodding knowingly while strategizing our rebuttal. That is not listening. Being a good listener requires that we break this habit.

Dr. Henry Cloud in his book Integrity states,

“True listening and understanding has not occurred until the other person understands that you understand.”

One of the most effective techniques for doing this is called “Active Listening.” Active listening involves repeating back to the other person what you think he just said. “What I am hearing from you is …. Is that correct?” This is an amazingly simple practice, and you will be astounded how many misunderstandings are avoided when you use Active Listening.

The Bottom Line:

Whether we decide to listen twice as much as we talk, “listen until it hurts,” or utilize Active Listening, our willingness to become better listeners is a direct reflection on our character.

When the people around us know they are truly being heard, they will also believe that their leader is a humble and selfless Leader of Character.

Question:

Why is it so hard to focus on the other person in the conversation?

excerpt from Chapter 7 of Becoming a Leader of Character

Dave Anderson is coauthor of Becoming a Leader of Character – Six Habits that Make or Break a Leader at Work and at Home with his father General James L. Anderson (USA Retired).
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